The gig was over. The band had packed up, the fans had gone and it was time to hit the road home, but first food. Wandering the dark and drizzly streets of Glasgow in November off the back end of a horrendous storm perfectly summed up the inner turmoil inside my body, mind and soul.
A night of Reflection in the Rain
We walked the streets to find something suitable to eat. Considering it was a Sunday night, the bars and restaurants still had people gargling their drinks and stuffing their faces. The warm glow from the windows lit up the cold pavement and the rain pattered my skin. I watched my best friends walk ahead of me, with the look of exhaustion and maybe slight disappointed in their eyes. To me they were wonderful and amazing. Yes, it hadn’t been the most outrageous and packed out gig they’ve ever played, but they were tiptoeing closer to their dream and pursuing their passion. Then there was little old me, the little nobody in the corner of the room, they didn’t make me feel like that, it was a little black cat clawing away inside me already.
It was a long the drive home, the country music hummed through the stereo as the highway lights zoomed past us and refracted the light in the cab through the raindrops hammering the windscreen. My best friend and I just talked here and there, while the rest of the band and roadies snoozed in the back, but the moments of silence were comforting. It gave me a chance to reflect on a difficult year and think about the next 12 months. My friends were catching their dreams through thick and thin. So what the hell am I doing?
I Fell Out of Love
2024 began with loss—I was still grieving my dog, Sophia, after a heartbreaking battle with a misdiagnosed illness most likely Cancer, a big killer of Rottweilers. An undiagnosed tumour on her liver had ruptured and was killing her. I had to let her go and it tore me to pieces. 10 years of my life and my shadow was just gone through the neglect of vets.
Then, I faced distance with one of my best friends; I was unsure why things had changed even though I had pretty big hints. We had a roller coaster of emotions throughout 2024, and the beginning of this year has had its own turmoil. Luckily, they are a friend who, no matter what happens, we can speak openly and solve issues, to a degree. Nothing is ever 100% settled, but after nearly 8 years of covering each other’s backs, I am sure it will stand the test of time. Through the confusion, I find comfort in the light of our enduring friendship and the love and respect that continues to guide us.
Writing and music, once vibrant passions, started to feel hollow and devoid of meaning. Even my radio shows and GlamRat persona had faded, losing the spark that once ignited them. I found myself trapped in a cycle of exhaustion, lacking the time and energy to engage in what I loved. The few pieces I managed to write on this website were scattered and infrequent, leaving me with a lingering sense of regret and frustration at my lack of commitment to something I loved so much.
Family struggles deepened when my great aunt passed, and we were shunned by relatives. To be sat on one side of the chapel with my godparents and the rest of the ‘family’ and friends on the other side burned a sense of anger inside of me. Just because we didn’t stay and live in the same village for 50 years, didn’t make us any less of a relative who loved this once strong, stylish and brash woman. Auntie Pat, what a woman! My mother’s father passed away in Spain which added financial strain into the fold of life. My grandfather had left us a nice inheritance to take care of us but so far, we are quids out and still waiting for the banks to finalise everything with our solicitor. The financial and emotional toll is ongoing.
My day job drained me, though my colleagues made it bearable. I smile and joke around with them all; however, after a day of being bouncy and vibrant in a job I’m not satisfied with, I felt utterly depleted (and still do at times). Thankfully, I have great colleagues, one of whom humorously explained me to his boyfriend, “When you first meet her, you think she’s on crack; then you realise she’s just insane!” Despite my job dissatisfaction, I searched the job market, but the rejections piled up no matter how hard I tried, and missing out on a dream role stung a bit. It was a long shot, but if they had taken a chance on me, I know I would have absolutely smashed it!
I was constantly drained no matter how much or how little sleep I had, and after months of back and forth with the nurses, it turned out that my iron levels were critically low and I had a severe deficiency in Vitamin D. It’s no surprise I felt so uninspired to do anything.
I lost love for people, family, work, and creativity. But even in the storm, there were glimmers of sunshine.
Finding the Love
I was (and still) incredibly lucky to have friends who stand by me. One of the most joyful moments came when my best friend from my bar days shared her amazing news—she was pregnant! Her message, “Can’t wait to meet you, Auntie Charlie, in 2025!” filled me with pure happiness. After everything she had been through, including the sudden loss of her mother to Cancer, seeing her find new joy and a beautiful new focus in life made my heart burst with happiness for her.
Despite the creative challenges I was facing, I found inspiration through my YouTube series In the Sewers, which led to Rat on the Road at Call of the Wild Festival—made possible by my ever-supportive Welsh dragon, Tosh. A cigar-smoking, potty-mouthed giggle monster, he’s been my rock, filling my darkest days with hope and laughter.
Thanks to him, I attended Download and Bloodstock Festivals, finding myself among rockstars and press. While conducting interviews, I observed, learned, and connected with incredible people. The spark to create returned, leading me to launch my Patreon—though I’ve struggled to keep up with content. But with festival season approaching, that fire isn’t gone yet.
My relationship with fellow DJ and gig buddy Sabian blossomed (via drink, catty comments and memes) throughout 2024, and he played a pivotal role in opening new doors for me. He introduced me to WaterBear College, where he’s studying a BA in Music Business, and suggested I explore their Master’s Degrees. I had been toying with the idea for a while, as I felt stuck with GlamRat and uncertain about my next steps. Was my job search struggle due to my lack of qualifications or contacts? With Sabian’s encouragement and some research on my part, WaterBear became a real possibility for 2025—a fresh start and exciting new direction ahead!
To Battle 2025
As we drove home from Glasgow, everything seemed to rush through my mind. I knew something had to change—I’m done being miserable and long for a zest for life again. With my incredible friends by my side—Tosh, CC, Syd, and Sabian—and the support of family, music friends and work colleagues, I know I’ll find my place this year and carry it into the next.
My mind has always been filled with noise, but one quiet moment on a midnight walk home from work in January gave me clarity. My car had failed its MOT, and of course, it snowed the night I had no car. Yet, that walk was beautiful—the snow was the only sound, nature’s perfect peace. It reminded me of the tranquility I longed for. I messaged CC when I got in, telling him I had found peace.
Starting 2025 has been tough, but I know it’s time to take charge. I’ve made the commitment to improve myself—getting back to the gym, finally seeing the dentist after eight years, creating a skin care routine, and taking vitamins to stay healthy. It’s about physically and mentally building myself up so I can tackle what’s ahead. I’ve left HRH Radio and joined the Upstaged Media Team, and I may even have a new radio show in the works. I plan to blog again, continue In the Sewers, create content for Patreon, and attend WaterBear College to earn my Master’s in Music Business by September 2026.
All of these steps are part of a bigger goal: to become a better, stronger version of myself and step into a future full of hope and endless possibilities.
GlamRat 